Conflict Resolution In Business

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Rule 5 of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Rule 1 of Conflict Management):

The Silver Rule

Conflicts are emotional events and can only be truly resolved at the emotional level.

Genuine conflict usually arises when one party perceives another party’s actions as a threat to them. Threats are based on fear. Fear is a primary emotion. You can’t reason with any emotion, particularly fear.

Threats must be dealt with at the emotional level.

Reason has a role in conflict resolution, not in the form of debate, but in the form of a logical and reasoned process that will both parties to a state of emotional resolution.

The process is logical; the journey is emotional.

A Logical Process to Emotional Resolution

When faced with a conflict of any order, use the following process as a mind map; a simple and clear course through what could otherwise become murky waters.

1. Be Crystal Clear on Your Goal
Don’t approach any situation that offers the potential of conflict unless you know why you are doing this and what you want to achieve from becoming involved.

For clarity, write out your desired end result from the encounter, and keep it firmly in mind throughout. That does not mean you may not find a compromise; it just means you won’t get mired in the moment, or lost in emotions.

2. Understand Communications
7% of your communications in a face to face situation are accomplished through the words that you use.

38% of your communications are conveyed by your voice (pace, tone, pitch, timbre, volume).

55% of your communications are conveyed (primarily at the unconscious level) by your body language.

Voice and body language are controlled by your state (a soup of your attitudes, world view, intentions, and emotions).

3. Adjust your State
Consciously adjust your state to a positive and resourceful one by choosing a positive attitude to the situation. Tell yourself that this situation can become an agent for positive change and expect that it will be resolved in a way that moves both parties forward.

Consciously set your intent towards the other party.

The most resourceful intentions you can adopt are:

• To discover things about this person that you can and will like; and
• To discover a way in which you can help them to reach a resolution that works for you both.

If you haven’t previously practiced controlling your state in this manner (most people run on automatic pilot and allow their intentions/emotions/moods/paradigms to run them) then it’s time to test it out. The results will surprise you.

By the way, the process is one of real attitude and real intention. There is no room here for pretending. If you attempt to do anything that is less than genuine you will convey it clearly to the other party via voice and body language and in doing so will surely sabotage your outcomes.

4. Empathise 
Let the other party know that you understand how they feel: “I can understand how you feel that way. Under the circumstances, I can imagine feeling the same way if I were in your position”.

Note the use of words here permits you to empathise without compromising your integrity. True, you may not “feel the same way”, but you can surely “imaging feeling the same way” – a true statement.

This is not a matter of semantics, but one of truly putting yourself in their place mentally in order to gain an idea of how they feel (and how they may be thinking).
A Few Other Rules

1. If you fear being wrong, walk away
2. Open your heart, then your mind and proceed with hope.
3. You can’t argue with a 6 year old
4. Active listening creates revelations on both sides.
5. If you think one of you has to lose, walk away.
6. Check what matters.
7. Look at the Big Picture

1. If You Fear Being Wrong, Walk Away
Conflict takes place at the level of our Egos – ie, at the level of our “idea of ourselves” rather than at the level of our real selves. Our ego tends to be extremely defensive; is sensitive to any hint of insult or moral injury and while it will employ logic to “prove it is right”, will be quite illogical in the extent to which it is prepared to go to win the argument or point or principle involved.

The Ego is animated and driven by fear.

If you approach any conflict or difference of opinion with the fear that you will not get your way, may lose something you cherish, will be made to look foolish or lose face or may be forced to face an unpleasant truth (that you may be wrong) you are doomed from the outset

If you have the courage to step out from behind your ego and to seek a truly balanced and mutually beneficial solution, even if that involves changing your position, conceding the merits of the other side and learning new truths, you will generally do very well

Personal bravery is the key to successful conflict resolution.

Ego (or pride) is your enemy!

2. Open Your Heart, Then Your Mind – And Proceed With Hope
You can’t fake this one. If you want to master the art of negotiation, and to solve every dispute or difference of opinion with which you are faced, your personal bravery is the key and the first step in that process is to “open your heart” to the other person, and allow yourself to find things about them you can like, and then like them!

Next, consciously set your attitude to one of a positive expectation of a positive result for you both. Then, consciously set your intent to “achieving a balanced, fair and useful outcome”. These two steps involve some honest and practical courage on your part.

With your attitude and intent set, listen with an open heart and open mind being the journey of discovery of yourself, the other and the facts that leads will form the basis of a resolution.

If you do this with intent, and use your rapport skills at the same time, the other party will sense that there is an “opening” on your side, that you are on a journey of discovery and that everything is up for consideration There is now less or nothing for them to resist.

The process of negotiating a mutually acceptable solution can begin

3. You Can’t Argue With A 6 Year Old 
You can’t resolve emotional issues using reason

If the other person is upset, use the following process to move the issue to a level of reason (this is the same Concern Management process you learned for selling):

1. Empathise: I understand exactly how you feel.
2. Mirror: So what you’re saying is (repeat their words exactly)
3. Seek Permission: May I ask you a question?
4. Orbit their emotional state: If you did not feel (use their words for how they feel), could we resolve this?
5. Move to what they want: Thank you Can you help me with a clear statement of just what it is that you need to be/happen for this to work for you?

If you are upset, run this process on yourself first, before you open discussions with another.
4. Active Listening Creates Revelations On Both Sides
Our first enemy is the natural need to want to explain our side first because we think, mistakenly, that if they just understand our perspective they would come to the same conclusions we have. Resist that temptation.

Instead, apply Active Listening skills:

• Ask an open question (one that can’t be answered in a single word) with a purpose (to discover the facts as they see them).
• Listen to their answer, noting any key (emphasised or repeated) words or phrases that have a high emotional content.Ask another question based on their answer. Use their key words when framing your question if appropriate.
• Occasionally ask “follow-on” questions (How do you mean? Why is that? Can you tell me a bit more? I don’t understand?) with curiosity. (Curiosity is childlike, playful, and disarms the other party, putting them at ease).
• Occasionally be “silent and present” – give them a space to fill in with more information than they might otherwise volunteer.

Be aware that Active Listening builds rapport, and don’t be surprised if you lead them to a different view simply by asking questions that chase their thoughts down to their logical (or illogical) conclusion.

What’s to resist?

5. If You Think One Of You Has To Lose, Walk Away
If you see the situation as win/lose you will not find a stable solution – one that will persist over time.

If your intent is to seek compromise and balance, this will dawn on the other, and progress will be made.

6. Check What Matters
Disputes may be little more than the difference in the words used.

Find out what is really important to both parties. List their respective values and then look for correspondences that can be accommodated or traded.

7. The Big Picture
The Big Picture provides a useful technique for putting things into perspective.

You can ask yourself:

In a year from now, what will be the significance of this instance?
In the overall scheme of what we are wanting to achieve, how does this fit?
In the context of my Life and what matters most to me, where does this fit?

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Some Handlers on the Lighter Side
Don’t try these with Clients. They are provided here for people who are being difficult in situations where your professionalism is not on the line:

• Any connection between your reality and mine is going to be purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn!
• The fact that no one understands you may mean that you’re an artist 😉
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• I like you. You remind me a lot of me, when I was young and gullible.
• I’m not smirking. I’m just visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• I’ll be really easy to get along with once you people realise I’m right.
• You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.